From Baby Boomer To Mother-In-Law: How To Play Your New Role
Now that your son has popped the question, the congratulations from your friends include some advice about the wedding: “smile, shut up and wear beige.”
But it doesn’t have to be like this. You have the right stuff to rewrite the rules without becoming the Mother-in-Law from Hell. You came of age during the sexual revolution, juggled career and family, broke new ground for women, enjoyed the role of superwoman. So if you don’t plan to walk on eggshells around your daughter-in-law for the rest of your life, these tips are for you:
1. Be sensitive to your new role of in-law. Competition may surface with your daughter-in-law if she experiences you as supporting your son while they establish the ground rules in their own relationship. Help out when you can but don’t overstep your boundaries. Debra learned “Even though I am very close to my son’s wife, I wait for her to call me. And that has made all the difference.”
2. The more facts you have about your daughter-in-law, the better it will be. Learn about her likes and dislikes. The average age for marriage in America is now 25 for women and 27 for men, so she has years of personal history to share with you. Get to know her and find out more about her childhood and relationships with her relatives. Ask questions, listen to the answers, and remember them.
3. Choose your battles. Be patient and let go of issues that are not crucial. Laugh to yourself about some of the petty concerns. Sandy related, “At first I was upset that my daughter-in-law never asked for any of my recipes. But then I realized that I didn’t want this to turn into a ‘food fight.’ I could learn some new techniques from her and just enjoy her for who she is.”
4. Begin to build a personal connection with your son’s wife. Take this chance to enjoy each other as you share activities and experiences. Carol found that, “just going shopping together brought us new feelings of camaraderie. We could be focused on the hunt instead of on the tensions between us.”
5. Place more value on the relationship than having your way. Don’t hold it against your daughter-in-law if she doesn’t see the world from your perspective. You can have more enjoyment as a mother-in-law by relinquishing power. Recognize that this is not a “zero sum game” – that is, there is not one winner and one loser – and you can all take pleasure in each other.
6. Share your frustrations with your life partner. When all else fails, and you are at your wits end, find support from your peers. Ann acknowledged, “Whenever I get angry about the relationship with my daughter-in-law, I call my friends. I don’t feel so alone because they have some of the same problems. Commiserating takes off some of the pressure I feel. They really understand how it is to, all of a sudden, be totally out of the loop.”
Your married children’s lives are moving forward and so can yours. Focus your energy on taking care of yourself rather than on controlling them. This is a new chapter in everyone’s life. You can best serve your emerging relationship with them, and your own personal growth as a member of the Sandwich Generation, when you choose to enjoy your new role of mother-in-law.
© 2007, Her Mentor Center
Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are founders of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers and family relationships. They offer free newsletter Stepping Stones.
Five Ways To Build A Relationship With Your Future Mother In Law
After years of working on weddings, there is one character that I have come to pity: the mother of the groom. Most of the attention at weddings, aside from that given to the couple, is placed on the mother and father of the bride. The parents of the groom are largely left out of the planning process and the wedding day seems structured to lavish attention on the bride and her family: her mother helps her to get dressed, her father walks her down the aisle and everyone recognizes the bittersweet nature of the day for the parents of the bride. While the day is just as bittersweet for the parents of the groom, their participation is typically limited to a cameo during the processional. For my part, I have made it a priority to arrange time prior to the ceremony for the parents of the groom to spend a few quiet moments with the groom. But I’ve also taken to strongly encouraging brides to forge a relationship with the mother of the groom during the planning process.
Brides, imagine for a moment how your future mother in law must be feeling. She has tirelessly and selflessly worked to ensure that her son was taken care of and has watched him grow into the man that he is today. And now she must give him over to the new lady in his life. Her feelings about your groom are as strong as your mother’s feelings about you. This is also a person, like it or not, with whom you will have a lifelong relationship. So why not start the bonding process by allowing her to participate in your wedding planning? Granted, there are experiences that you might want to share exclusively with your mother, but there are several ways to include your mother in law as well.
Have a Moms Luncheon
Soon after your engagement, reach out to your mother in law and ask her to join you for lunch. If you’d like, you can also invite your mom to this meeting as well. This is the opportunity for her to get to know you outside of your relationship with her son. Tell her that you would like for her to be involved in the planning as much as possible. This sets in place a positive foundation on which you can build throughout the planning process.
Keep her in the loop about your plans
Be sure to include your future mother in law in your wedding related emails and/or newsletters and ask for her input on wedding details (i.e., bridesmaid dresses, flowers, vendors, etc.)
Invite her to vendor meetings
As previously stated, there may be moments that you wish to share alone with your mom, most notably your dress fittings, but there are also several places where your future mother in law can assist. Invite her to important meetings such as the tasting with the caterer, the walk through of the venue, and meetings with the florist. During the meetings, make a special effort to ask her what she’s thinking about your plans.
Allow her to assist in planning the bridal shower and rehearsal dinner
Of course, you will not be involved in planning your bridal shower, but you should mention your desire to include your mother in law in the planning to your maid of honor or designated planner. Traditionally, the groom’s parents are in charge of the rehearsal dinner however, many couples are now taking on this responsibility themselves. If this is the case, be sure to ask for input from your mother in law and definitely give her the chance to have words at the dinner.
Keep in touch after the wedding
After the wedding is over, you should continue building your relationship with your mother in law. Don’t limit your interaction with her to times when your husband is involved. Take the initiative to call, visit and hang out with her on a regular basis.
Like any relationship, your relationship with your mother in law will take some work, but it is certainly worth it in the end. A great mother in law can be a good friend, shopping partner and someday, the perfect babysitter!
Tiffany R. Wright is a top wedding planner in the Washington, DC area and owner of Pirouette Events , a premiere wedding planning company in DC/MD/VA.
World’s Oldest Mother Gives Birth to Twins in India
kari Panwar has become the world’s oldest mother in the world after giving birth to twins by Caesarean section at a hospital in Muzaffarnagar, which is seven hours drive from New Delhi. The twins, a boy and a girl, were born a month early and weighed just 2lb each, but doctors have said that they are healthy.
Mrs Panwar and her husband, Charan Singh Panwar, 77, decided to undergo IVF treatment in order to conceive. Despite having two grown-up daughters and five grandchildren, the couple were eager to have the treatment in an attempt to have a son, who would be their heir and able to work their land.
As a retired farmer, Mr Panwar had little money, but he was so keen to produce a male heir that he sold his buffalos, mortgaged his land, took out a credit card loan and used all his savings to raise funds for the costly treatment. Luckily, his gamble paid off and Mrs Panwar became pregnant.
Frail Mrs Panwar said that the pregnancy was hard, but she believed the pain was worth it. She explains: “For eight months the pregnancy was hectic and painful. But I have given birth before, so I knew what to expect. Sometimes, you have to face the pain if you want something good.”
Following the birth of the twins, Mr Panwar was keen to express his joy – particularly because the couple now had a son. He said: “At last we have a son and heir. We prayed to God, went to saints and visited religious places to pray for an heir. The treatment cost me a fortune but the birth of a son makes it all worthwhile. I can die a happy man and a proud father.”
Although Omkari Panwar has no birth certificate, she uses the date of India’s independence in 1947 to tell her age. As she was just nine years’ old when the British left India, she is now 70. Prior to the birth of the twins, the world’s oldest mother was Romanian Adriana Iliescu, who had a daughter in 2005 when she was aged 66 thanks to IVF treatment.
Mrs Panwar seemed unfazed when she was told that she had become the world’s oldest mother and quickly shrugged off the title. She said: “If I am the world’s oldest mother it means nothing to me. I just want to see my new babies and care for them while I am still able. My husband and I have an heir. That is all we ever wanted.”
Gynaecologist Nisha Malik, who delivered the twins, expressed her surprise at the babies’ birth. She said: “I was shocked when this old lady told me she was pregnant. I have been in medicine for 20 years and I have never heard of such a case.”
Source: Hindi News
Aandaleeb Singh is from North India and enjoys writing about Hindi News.
Mother Son Wedding Songs, Father Daughter Wedding Songs And First Dance Song
I’ll Always Be Your Mother is a new mother and son wedding song that I wrote for my son’s wedding in 2006.
When my son told me he was getting married, I knew I wanted to write a song for him and his new bride. My intention was to give him something special and personal. As I started to write the song, it became more obvious to me that it would be a wonderful song to be played at the wedding that he and I could dance to.
The focus of this mother and son song was not so much about him as a boy growing up. It was about his special wedding day and the start of his new life with his new bride. I wanted to welcome his new bride into our family as my new daughter and wanted her to know that we could always share his love. I wanted to let him know that I would always be there for him. I wanted my son to see his new wife as his best friend and that it’s important to always be faithful to each other.
I wrote the lyrics for this mother and son wedding song and Jim McShane wrote the music. We recorded the song in a traditional version and played it at the wedding. It was beautiful to everyone, young and old, male and female. I was encouraged by so many people to publish the CD and make it available to others. So, with this encouragement, Jim and I also recorded a country version and released our single, recorded in both the traditional and country versions in May of 2007. The CD is available at www.shopmysongs.com where you can view the lyrics and listen to a short clip of both versions of the song.
My new father daughter wedding song titled I’ll Always Be Your Daughter was released in May 2008. I am recording a new bride and groom first dance song titled Two Little Words. It will be released in June 2009.
I am not only a proud mother of two boys and a daughter-in-law, I am now a proud grandmother of beautiful little girl.
Best wishes to all mothers & sons, fathers & daughters, and all parents on their special wedding day.
Lynn Leonti
Co-writer of two wedding songs titled I’ll Always Be Your Mother (mother son wedding song) and I’ll Always Be Your Daughter (father daughter wedding song).
Top 7 Parenting Tips for Good Parenting: Bring Out the Best in you and your Kids!
Even though we need a license to do many things in life — everything from driving and operating a forklift to practicing medicine and fishing — there is no license required to become a parent and this is often the trickiest of all of the above activities!
Parenting today is far more difficult than it was, even a generation ago. Many well-intentioned parents are using outdated and ineffective parenting styles. As a result, they experience daily frustration and stress in their home.
Below you will find my top 7 tips for good parenting. These tips inspire children to want to be well behaved, can reduce family fights and boost family joy.
Good Parenting Tip #1 – If you love your kids—put yourself first!
One of the best things we can do for our children is to give them a foundation for becoming a happy and healthy adult. Self-care should not be a luxury for parents—it needs to become a necessity. You need self-care both for being a good parent and a healthy and balanced human being. Far too many children are living with parents who are stressed out and frankly, not at all fun to be around. If you are repeatedly burning the midnight oil, you may be on the brink of parent burnout—not a pleasant thing for you or your family to experience.
Good Parenting Tip #2 – If married—put your marriage before your kids!
Most of us have heard of Generation X and Generation Y. But did you realize that Generation S—Generation Spoiled—is on the rise? Many children today are raised with an unhealthy sense of entitlement because their parents have made them the center of the universe. With divorce statistics still hovering around 50%, children are far too often coping with unhappy, failing marriages and divorce– much worse for them than missing out on a couple of toys or brand name jeans. Take a stand and put some time into your marriage (like go on a date night)—for your whole family’s sake!
Good Parenting Tip #3 – Cherish your children
No matter what your situation—no matter how often your children drive you crazy—know there are thousands of people in this world who would gladly trade places with you. There are couples who would give anything to just have a child. Strive to remember how truly fortunate you are. Hug your children at least three times a day. Regularly tell them how grateful you are to have the opportunity to be their parent.
Good Parenting Tip #4 – Teach your kids to fish—don’t fish for them!
Many parents do everything for their kids. This only robs their children of the opportunity to learn self-reliance—which is vital to building their self-esteem. One of the best things you can do is to help your kids learn how to do things for themselves. One of the chapters of my first book on effective parenting is called "How To Get Your Kids Doing Their Chores Smiling". Some parents think I am from another planet when I even suggest that kids can learn to do chores with a smile on their face. These same doubting parents are often happily surprised when they see it is possible—in their own home and in this century! Household chores teach basic life skills everyone needs to know. Also, chores give children the opportunity to contribute to the household in a positive and meaningful way.
Good Parenting Tip #5 – Focus on what you like, not on what you don’t
If children aren’t being appreciated and aren’t getting attention for what they do well—and when they behave well—you better believe they will learn to get attention for not behaving well. The more you notice what you like about what they’re doing, the less likely they are to morph into destructive little terrors and the more likely you will inspire your child to repeat the good behaviors and achievements you love.
Good Parenting Tip #6 – Give respect and expect it in return
Don’t do anything to your child that you wouldn’t want your child to do to you. The list of things you don’t want to be doing includes: yelling, hitting, spitting, and put downs. There are far better ways for you to handle conflict, stress and common misbehaviors. Commit to learning these “Ultimate Parenting” tools that are based on mutual respect—not fear based punishment that only teaches our kids to not get caught next time!
Good Parenting Tip #7 – A family that plays together stays together!
Have fun—play with your kids. Laughing, tickling, and enjoying one another’s company is the foundation of a happy home. Having fun can go a long way towards preventing much of the needless conflict and behaviors that drive you crazy. It also provides your family with much needed quality time.
These seven effective parenting tips above are child-proofed, effective and fun. By taking the time to learn how to bring out the best in you and in your children, you will reap the rewards that come from the peace of mind—knowing that you did all you could to support and nurture a happy and healthy family life.
Kelly Nault-Matzen, MA, family counselor, corporate parenting spokesperson and award winning parenting author of When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! To gain access to more parenting tools and to access your free online parenting course visit www.ultimateparenting.com