The Secret Nuances of Being a Good Parent
We have been told so often about the common mistakes that parents make when raising children that very often the all important question of being a good parent is sidelined. After all, there is a subtle yet important difference between the two that should not be ignored. Many parents focus so much on trying to avoid the pitfalls of parenting that they become negligent to the good aspects of parenting.
The fact of the matter is that being a good parent comes instinctively to some people. However, the good news is that wonderful parenting is an art which can be learned and so there is no need to worry unduly about it. The first behavioral trait you will find in good parents is their complete lack of presumption. So many people feel that they know what is best for their children. The problem with such thinking is that it limits the ability to be original and deal with the problems of your children intelligently.
Having experienced the traumas of childhood first-hand does not ensure that you have all the answers in your kitty. Being a good parent means that you take the changing times into account and understand that a comparison of your childhood with that of your children can never be fair. The problems that plague and bother your child today will definitely be different from what you faced when you were a child.
Today, children mature a lot faster than we did when we were kids. For us, childhood was a relatively slow-paced affair while for today’s young generation things change everyday and keeping pace with life poses a whole new set of challenges that we as parents are not aware of. Being a good parent means that all outdated comparisons have to be dispensed with.
One of the most common problem parents’ face in present times is their children’s ever-increasing demand for expensive shoes or clothes or other gadgets which their friends possess. Many parents feel that their children are being insensitive and callous and do not wish to pamper them by giving into these demands. Being a good parent does not mean that you buy things for your child which you cannot afford to in the first place. However, dismissing all demands by assuming that your child is acquisitive is also not the right thing to do.
Try and empathize with your child in situations like these rather than being judgmental. Understand that these demands are prompted because of the possessions of other kids in school. Your child desires the same objects as he does not want to feel excluded or inferior to others. At this juncture, a practical gesture would be to talk to your child and broaden his horizon of thinking. Even if he is young, you can bring about the awareness that material possessions do not determine superiority or inferiority and what truly sets a person above the rest is his humane and sympathetic nature.
Your child might not take to this idea like a fish takes to water, as it will be a different way of looking at life for him but he will definitely value this sooner or later. Infusing this belief also does not mean that you never buy the expensive things that your child wants. Wherever you feel that the demand is justified or that an occasional spending spree is not a problem, you can be an extravagant parent. This way you are being a good parent along with having a pragmatic approach towards life.
One of the secrets of being a good parent is to watch the facial expressions of your child when he communicates with you as well as with other people around him. This will tell you a lot more than just listening to what your child says. Many children do not reveal their true feelings verbally as they have their own inhibitions. Being alert to facial expressions and gestures is a good way of accessing your child’s inner thoughts and emotions. Along with this, be a good listener to your child and devote quality time where you discuss not only his school and friends but other areas of interest that both of you have. After all, the metamorphosis of the child into a friend is the most desired gift to any parent.
Another great way of being a good parent is to participate actively in parent evenings. Your avid interest will be a great encouragement for your child to perform better and you will also get to know of his development in studies and other extra-curricular activities. Today, many parents are unable to help children with their school work as this necessitates some amount of computer literacy as well as knowledge of current teaching trends.
In case you have time on your hands as a parent, you could polish your computer skills and read up on teaching methods so that you can give a helping hand when necessary. Learning computer skills from your children might also be a good way of allowing the fun element into your relationship. There is even a possibility that your child admires your honest admission of ignorance in something that he/she is good at and takes a real interest in educating you. There are a lot of parents who feel the need to portray themselves as all-knowing and superior. There is no need to do so. On the contrary, your child will respect you all the more if you admit that there are certain things that you also find difficult to grasp rather than judging you as imperfect.
Even though being involved with your child’s school activities is commendable, being a good parent means that you have to keep your eyes open for your child’s reaction to your interest in their studies. Some children are perfectly capable of handling their curriculum by themselves and your zeal may be misconstrued as interference. In such cases, it is better to back off and provide help only when asked.
Many parents are paranoid about the times we live in and the issue of safety that has been so blatantly threatened by it. In a bid to shield their children, they try and set limits that are not age-appropriate. Children react adversely to this as they perceive it to be manipulative and controlling behavior on the part of their parents. One of the most important lessons you have to learn on the way of being a good parent is that coddling your children never works and your children will even start rejecting sensible and practical advice on your part so as to assert their freedom. So, beware of this tendency.
To sum it up, the whole crux of being a good parent is to accept your children as individuals who have their likes and dislikes as well as their strengths and weaknesses and respect them for what they are rather than what you would like them to be. Doing so will guarantee that not only are you a good parent, but your children are also great children to have.
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Parenting – in Some Cases, Breaking the Mirror With your 6 Best Friends is a Simply a Must!
We all know that not all parents are created equal. Some are good parents and some are bad parents. But good and bad parenting are results of both conscious and unconscious choices. Why so? That’s because good parents made it their choice to learn beneficial ways and methods in parenting. Perhaps they have a good upbringing as well. However, does that mean bad parents are bad by their own choice? Nothing can be further from the truth. Bad parents do also feel that they can do better and often times, they too want to be loved and adored by their children. Often times, their inability to make the transition in becoming a better parent is because they feel overwhelmed by their personal situations.
One of the major things that causes bad parenting is bad parenting. I know that sounds a bit odd but read carefully. Imagine a child growing up in a poorly managed family. I don’t mean poor as in destitute but as in poor methods of parenting. Their children will learn to become the parents they so despise. When they are young, they were already being programmed to become the parents they so dislike. Therefore, when they grow up, they too become the clone of their own parents. A total MIRROR IMAGE. Which is why, in some cases, breaking that mirror is simply a must.
Now how do you do that? Well, here are ways to go about breaking that mirror. This is best done before marriage and before deciding to have children. Always ask yourself first. What kind of parent do I want to be? What kind of a leader do I want to be for my child? Do I want he or she to go through some of the unpleasant circumstances I was born into? If I am my child, what kind of family do I want to be born into? With these questions, it will bring light to what sort of a parent you desire to become.
After knowing what you want, it is still impossible to break the mirror as you do not know how to do it. this is the time you consult your 6 best friends on earth. Namely: Why, Who, How, What, When and Where.
For example, if your situation is your own bad temper, then ask the following questions:
1) Why do I want to change and eliminate my bad temper?
2) Who do I seek help from to deal with my temper problems?
3) How can I get the most benefit from the people I seek help from?
4) What techniques should I apply to make myself calm down during a temper?
5) When to apply the best technique for temper control for the best results?
6) Where can I find more resources related to my problem?
With these 6 best friends by your side, you are on your way to breaking that old mirror image of the bad parenting traits your parents may have left in you. You will be able to break free from the ill effects of bad parenting and begin a good and happy family of your own. Of course, anything good requires effort for maintenance. Always remember, your journey to good parenting and break all mirrors will be life long and that you will need to always work closely with your 6 best friends from time to time. Good luck and may you be happy always!
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It Takes a Village (of Mothers) to Save our Planet
We’ve all been told that mother knows best. Lorena Aguilar Revelo is the perfect example of an activist and leader who draws on her mothering skills. She was born in San Jos?Costa Rica, and is an anthropologist with a major in Cultural Ecology. After a decade of intensive field research in rural Central America, Lorena has gained recognition as an international messenger for a new way of working with communities. Her mission is demonstrating that true grassroots participation, particularly by women, is a vital step in achieving sustainable development worldwide. She is helping policy makers and technicians understand that projects and conservation efforts should be created, executed and evaluated by local people in order to make real progress.
Her colleagues told me that beyond Lorena’s many accomplishments, this mother of three is truly appreciated for her personal style and warmth. Lorena shared that in her dual roles as mother and advocate, she has learned alternative means of exercising power, to value different methods of negotiation, and also the importance of a smile. I saw these qualities up close meeting with her, along with her husband and son, at a seaside town in Costa Rica. Lorena’s genuine concern for others (she was late for our interview because they stopped roadside to pick up some lost German tourists) and her infectious laugh, made me feel right at home. Our first meeting felt more like a reunion with an old friend.
When I asked what led Lorena to her field of work, she told me when she was a very young girl, her father had a coffee plantation and required that she pick coffee beans to earn money. In the fields she met many people who didn’t have shoes, or even homes. She questioned this stark difference to her own situation and began to understand that not everybody has the same possibilities in life. She saw these were kind people and hard workers, yet they had few opportunities to improve their living conditions because they didn’t have assets for better education or access to credit.
When Lorena became pregnant with her first child, she realized she would work in rural development because she wanted other mothers to have the options she did to raise their kids in a safer environment. “My life has been good, so I’m doing this because I want other moms to have the happiness I’ve had raising my own children,” she said.
Through her work with the World Conservation Union, Lorena sees many global poverty initiatives not able to fulfill needs because they’re putting money in the wrong pockets. She remembers, “When I worked with women in El Salvador, whenever they had income from their activities they were always so proud to declare, ‘I’m going to put my kids through school.’ You never heard mothers say, ‘I’m going to buy a new piece of land or I’m going to build three times my house.’ No, they would put their children in school.” Lorena points to studies they have conducted in Latin America, Asia and Africa that show when the same amount of money goes to women, 75 to 95% of the resources are invested in improving life quality for their family. “Mothers are always thinking about their kids first in general, and that’s worldwide. I haven’t met a mother- well, a few of them- who doesn’t put her kids first in the agenda,” she explained.
Lorena says her biggest challenge is the environmental sector has not recognized women, even though they continue to use women in many ways. For example, recycling campaigns: women manage and operate them in most rural communities. Yet when programs and policies for recycling are developed, women are often absent during the process. Lorena knows women play a vital role in the management of natural resources and so her major task for the World Conservation Union is to convince authorities of the importance of involving women in policy development, and at the same time, help women in developing countries acquire the necessary advocacy skills and have access to resources that will improve their living conditions.
To achieve this goal, Lorena is mobilizing women and mothers in Costa Rica and around the world to use their voice and become part of the environmental agenda. She works with thousands of women at the community level, organizing through friendships and the most basic networks. “We work with women in the field, bringing them to speak, teaching them how to speak and to not be afraid of speaking. The key is, they don’t speak for themselves, they speak for the needs of their families and children,” she said. Lorena adds, “When you help them to speak out, at the beginning, it’s very difficult. A lot of them are damn scared of talking or expressing themselves. But then, they break the ice and become very, very powerful women with their voice. Later on you can’t stop them! And by speaking, they don’t lose anything. They lose the most by remaining silent.”
Lorena tells me that through her life, mothers have touched her in many ways and they have taught her that life is about enjoying what you have, fighting for it and doing the best you can. “If women can walk every day eight hours to bring home a pail of dirty water, how can we complain about what we don’t have? I haven’t enough time? I have to run from work to this and that? No, I can’t complain about those things with my new parameters in life,” she says. Lorena believes what has changed her is the raw courage of women around the world.
I ask Lorena to share her advise to busy mothers who feel overwhelmed by their sense of domestic responsibility, yet want to be contributing more to the world outside their home. “One thing I would tell those who are looking to make a difference is that as a mother, you have a tremendous amount of activities that you conduct within society. You don’t have to be outside the household to be seen. I think that mothers have to understand that they do work,” she says emphatically. She finds it funny, yet sad when she asks women in rural areas if they work- mothers with 11 kids, doing everything in the home- and they say, “No, I don’t work. I help my husband.” And how many hours? “Eight hours. He needs help.” She reminds me how many hours of work women put in to maintain our society within households. “If someone had to pay for it, most families wouldn’t have enough resources to pay for taking care of kids, washing, cooking, cleaning, driving to schools and doctors, and the rest. Even if they’re not in the public sphere, there’s so much that women do,” says Lorena. We discuss how most societies have not given true value to the work of being a mother.
Lorena also believes reaching out to someone makes a mother’s life easier and more rewarding–so find the time. “Find the time to do small things like recycle, plant a tree, play in the grass with your kids, ride a bike–but stop complaining about how much you have to do. There’s no use in complaining. I stopped it many years ago because I realized this is it, I have no choice. I’d better get accustomed to it, enjoy it and try to get the best out of it. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade or a margarita!” chirps Lorena.
When I ask how she does it all, Lorena gives much credit to her husband Eric. “I know Eric has been a fundamental part because we’re a functioning unit. Sharing the responsibility of parenthood, in the cases that it’s possible, is the best way for families to thrive.” she says. She is grateful that Eric is teaching her son Sergio that things can be different-that doing household chores is not a woman thing, that being soft and sweet is not just a woman thing- that it’s okay for men to be like that. This is our balance.”
Lorena tells me the force that drives her efforts for the environment is her children and grandchildren. “You need to think about the future and act because it doesn’t end when you die. You leave a legacy and want a better life for those who are coming. I don’t want my grandsons to say, ‘Why are the forests destroyed, why didn’t your generation do anything?’ At least I can look at them and say I did, I tried.”
This is an excerpt from Inspiring Mothers: Wisdom & Activism from Mothers Around the World (forthcoming, 2009). On a journey through five continents, Amie Nelson is interviewing mothers who are redefining their roles as caregivers and revitalizing their communities. To read more and receive your Free Report: Seven Simple Steps You Can Take Now to Change the World, visit www.inspiringmothers.com.
Popular New Mother Son Wedding Songs, Father Daughter Wedding Songs And First Dance Song
I’ll Always Be Your Mother is a new mother and son wedding song that I wrote for my son’s wedding in 2006.
When my son told me he was getting married, I knew I wanted to write a song for him and his new bride. My intention was to give him something special and personal. As I started to write the song, it became more obvious to me that it would be a wonderful song to be played at the wedding that he and I could dance to.
The focus of this mother and son song was not so much about him as a boy growing up. It was about his special wedding day and the start of his new life with his new bride. I wanted to welcome his new bride into our family as my new daughter and wanted her to know that we could always share his love. I wanted to let him know that I would always be there for him. I wanted my son to see his new wife as his best friend and that it’s important to always be faithful to each other.
I wrote the lyrics for this mother and son wedding song and Jim McShane wrote the music. We recorded the song in a traditional version and played it at the wedding. It was beautiful to everyone, young and old, male and female. I was encouraged by so many people to publish the CD and make it available to others. So, with this encouragement, Jim and I also recorded a country version and released our single, recorded in both the traditional and country versions in May of 2007. The CD is available at www.shopmysongs.com where you can view the lyrics and listen to a short clip of both versions of the song.
My new father daughter wedding song titled I’ll Always Be Your Daughter was released in May 2008. I am recording a new bride and groom first dance song titled Two Little Words. It will be released in June 2009.
I am not only a proud mother of two boys and a daughter-in-law, I am now a proud grandmother of beautiful little girl.
Best wishes to all mothers & sons, fathers & daughters, and all parents on their special wedding day.
Lynn Leonti
Co-writer of two wedding songs titled I’ll Always Be Your Mother (mother son wedding song) and I’ll Always Be Your Daughter (father daughter wedding song).
What Good Parenting Entails
“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.” – Hodding Carter
All parents want their children to develop into well adjusted adults, respected as much for the integrity of their character as for their professional skills. This doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes years of patient guidance, consistent discipline and above all, an abundance of love that is tangible to the child even during the worst periods in their growing up – and believe me, there will be many of those, before you can sit back and say with relief, “My work is done”.
Many people equate an abundance of love with spoiling their child. I think that perhaps they have not understood what the term LOVE means, especially as it relates to a child. Let us start with what it is not:
1) Love is not over-indulging your child, giving in to every whim of his/hers because you feel guilty, tired, afraid you would lose your temper or scared that your kid may not love you.
2) Love is not harshly disciplining your children for every little broken rule in the mistaken belief that you are doing it for their good and if you don’t punish them often and hard, a life of turmoil and misery beckons.
3) Love is not protecting your kids from the natural heart aches that come with growing up – whether it is a friend’s betrayal, loss of a pet or loved one, not getting something deeply longed for.
4) Love is not using emotional blackmail at any time or for any reason in order to control them and get them to do what you want them to do.
Love that is most beneficial to children is one that focuses on them and accepts them for the unique individuals that they are. To be a truly loving parent, we need to learn to be a bit dispassionate about our kids. Even the most well meaning of parents tend to forget this. Unbiased love for your children helps you to focus on the child, rather than the fact that he/she belongs to you. You then learn to accept the possibilities and limitations of each of your children and to marvel at their individual potential. If there are no pre-conceived expectations, there is less pressure on the child and there are no feelings of disappointment in the parent. When children sense that they are not being measured against their siblings or friends, their confidence grows, there are less disciplinary issues and above all, they feel valued for themselves. Learning to love our kids this way is one of the hardest lessons in parenting; it being so natural to think in terms of “My Children” with the emphasis on “My” rather than on “Children”.
Good parenting is a skill honed through trial and error. Most parents are so concerned about being good parents that they tend to over compensate for their perceived inadequacies. They tend to overlook the fact that most kids prefer laughter, a home filled with warmth and understanding and parents whom they can trust and turn to in times of trouble rather than being inundated with designer clothes, shoes and toys. How often do we hear the complaint that kids now-a-days are too obsessed with material things. Perhaps it is time we, as parents, ask ourselves how much we have contributed to our children’s obsessions. A lot of people seem to have lost faith in their ability to be good parents, mistakenly thinking that they should always be infallible. What we must never lose sight of is that for the most part, we do get it right and that our love for our children will guide our parental instincts. Problems arise only when we do not learn from our mistakes. Children seem to have an infinite capacity to forgive their parents if they know or feel that their mothers and/or fathers are trying to do their very best for them.
Parents are only human – a fact that is often ignored by our kids and even more so, by ourselves. It is alright to get angry or depressed, irritated or to just want some time to yourself. What is not alright is to let these feelings affect your behaviour towards your children. How you handle your emotions is a good indicator of how your kids will manage theirs when they grow up. Rather than pretend that everything is fine, it would be better if you explained to your kids that you are upset about something and that you need sometime to work through the problem. Not only will the children be relieved that they are not the reason for your turmoil, they will probably try hard not to upset you further. Explaining the rationale for your actions to your children in terms they can understand teaches them empathy, alleviates their concerns that they are the cause of your distress and shows them how negative emotions should be handled.
Most parents have a hard time trying to decide whether or not they should shield their young children from the harsh facts of life. War, famine, death – these are constantly in the news. Closer to home it might be the prolonged illness or death of a close relative, friend, or even a pet, the break up of a close friendship, divorce, losing a job or home. There is no guarantee that life will always be smooth sailing and the sooner children are taught to face such situations with equanimity, the more resilient they will be when, as adults, they have their own misfortunes to face.
Parenting can be stressful, it is often under valued and unglamorous yet it can be and very often is uplifting and provides some of our most precious memories. If we remember to relax and enjoy our kids, love them for who they are, try to inculcate a strong personal value system from a very early age, revel in their accomplishments and be a constant source of support for them, we can be sure of doing a pretty good job. There is, of course, the added bonus of our own self improvement as we try to be more like the person we want our children to emulate.
You too can successfully mould your child into achieving his/her full potential. Find out how, with this FREE eBook.
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